Tuesday, June 20, 2017

I Need You

(written March 2017)

Father, my circumstances look impossible. They look so final. Divorce settlement papers have been signed. Our dream home is about to be on the market and I'm pretty much having Togo through this process alone. He has moved in with the other woman and her 2 kids months ago and has officially changed his address. Father, where have my prayers gone every day for the past 6 months? Have you not heard the desperation in my constant cries for my husband and our marriage? I am willing to work through the hurt even though starting over seems easier and I have realized looking back over this marriage, I deserved more. Much more, but I promised forever-through better or worse (and this is BEYOND WORSE). I even realized that I've rewritten my expectations for love, marriage and my husband-and I never should have had to do that, but I am willing, Lord, to move forward, forgive and reconcile it all with him. Have you not seen the floods of tears that have fallen from my eyes? Father, where are you? Please answer me.

"O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I talk to you. May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice." -Psalm 141:1-2
Are you desperately seeking God in your circumstance-even when you feel like giving up because it all looks absolutely, undoubtedly impossible? Do you feel like your prayers are being ignored even though you are asking for what's good and spiritually right for your spouse, your heart, your marriage?

I don't have all the answers. I don't understand why God hasn't changed my husband's heart and saved him from making one of the worst mistakes of his life. I don't know why he hasn't restored our marriage. I don't understand why the divorce continues to be near finalization. I don't know why I still feel so burdened to pray for my husband. I don't understand how after everything, my heart is willing to accept him back with open and non-judgmental arms. I don't know why I'm having to watch my home we worked so hard for being placed on the market. I don't know anything. That's one crazy and honest statement. I. Do. Not. Know. It's frustrating and sometimes disheartening, but I do know two things: My God is KING OF THE UNIVERSE and God HAS DONE AND IS DOING BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN ME-I will NEVER be the same woman or Christian that I was before.

 Who am I to question him? Who am I to doubt him? I know he sees things I can't. He sees the other side of the mountain when all we can see at times is the dark abyss below the cliff we are hanging from. He knows His perfect plan for you and me. As hard as it is and as painful as our circumstances are, we must trust. Trust like never before.

"O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief...So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed."-Psalm 143:1, 4

Don't give up. Give your discouragement to Him. Tell Him your feelings. Continue to cry out-He hears you; he hears every single word and sees every tear that falls. Chin up, buttercup. God is always good and he's working out EVERYTHING for your good. Stay faithful. Praise him. Stay hopeful-no matter the outcome.

We need you, Lord. I need you.

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