Monday, April 17, 2017

Hide Your Crazy

(written January 2016)

So, I'm appreciative of those who warned me that my emotions would fluctuate minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day. For the first couple of months, I had really worked on suppressing anything that I felt didn't uplift the Lord or kept me focused on examining my own heart, praying for my marriage and praying for my husband (and sometimes her). I wanted to remain peaceful, humble and kind.

But that was then...and this is now-at least this current second (in a minute, I could be crying again begging the Lord to bring my husband back and then switch right back to wanting him dead). The beast of anger has begun to roar inside me-shaking me to my core.

I've never been a mean-spirited, revenge-seeking, slash-your-tires kind of woman. It just isn't me and besides, if God is in me, then surely I would never think like that. But those emotions my family and friends had told me about began-tidal waves of uncontrollable depression; beautiful moments of peace; maddening days of nail-biting anxiety, flip-through-the-wedding-album pity parties, hear-me-roar empowerment modes, I-don't-need-him-days, cry-me-a-river-snot-pouring-out-my-nose happenings while driving to work....and then the Carrie Underwood "Before He Cheats" ANGER happened (the Louisville slugger to both headlights kind)...the want for sweet revenge. I didn't like these emotions-especially the newly found anger. I felt, and still feel, so guilty for the heart-pounding anger that arises within me and makes my blood boil and my eyes see red. Thankfully, I was encouraged to embrace it, not feel bad about it and treat it simply as a natural human reaction to emotional trauma. The big thing was to NOT ACT ON IT... and give those unwanted feelings to God in prayer.

Right now, I'll be honest. I have been so tired of taking the high road. The high road makes you keep all those feelings, the questions, the fantasies inside of you-it really sucks to not make them all reality! And my mind of unicorns and rainbows has really surprised me-I have had moments where I become the ultimate Lifetime movie-the woman who finds out about the affair and the other woman and goes completely psycho. I don't cuss but I've managed to put together strings of quite clever sentences of what I would like to say to my husband or little Miss Homewrecker. I would love to shake him and ask him what in the world is he thinking?  How could he have an affair, especially with a "rescue" kind of woman-a needy, desperate one that has no regard for the sanctity of marriage, goes after another woman's husband after promising her that she would end the relationship. A woman that has been divorced, moved her and her kids four states away from their family and the life that they knew only to start a life with her fiance just to turn around, cheat on him with her new boss, kick him out of her house and move a married man into her home exposing her two children to this mess?! How could he literally give up everything beautiful for a sinful relationship built on lies, deceit, and adultery? Like REALLY?? What are you both thinking??

Oh what it would have been like...
Slashing those big ol' tires on his truck; destroying his career; running him out of the city with a big riot behind me holding pitchforks and large foam fingers; setting up a website with (his name); rampaging his hunting lease while sitting on a rock stroking a hairless cat looking super evil with a Cheshire-cat grin smirking away as he finds his deer stands falling out of the burning trees, his feeders collapsed overtaken by bears, and his camp ablaze in bright orange, red and blue (more blue because they are the hottest) flames. Muuuwahahahahha!!!

And yes!  I would have love to put a giant, glittery, scarlet letter A in the her yard;
put on the boxing gloves (they would be pink of course) and ring her doorbell inviting her outside;
chase her out of Texas with billboards blasting the evidence of their affair lining the way back to the peach state; send her coconut oil for her nappy hair; and I could go on. Bye Homewrecking Felicia.

AND, Y'ALL THE FANTASIES GO ON-a million Lifetime movies in the making. I admit- doing all these things would feel AWESOME...for a fleeting moment... but then what have I done? What would I accomplish?  Lose my integrity? Lose people's respect? Look like the villain and crazy wife I'm sure my husband, like any other cheater, made me out to be (and they would think no wonder why he left her)? IT JUST WOULDN'T BE WORTH IT.

And as Miranda Lambert sang, "HIDE YOUR CRAZY AND START ACTING LIKE A LADY!" When I start thinking these crazy things and find myself hating what it does to me inside and how terrible it makes me feel as a person, I take a deep breath and remind myself to continue with kindness and to keep my crazy to myself...and maybe some family and friends.

But, just like that-when I've managed to decrease my body temperature a few degrees and calm my racing heart, THE ANGER IS BACK FULL FORCE. Why should I keep myself and my dignity together? Who cares about my integrity at this moment? I want revenge!! Look at what has been taken from me!! Look at the hurt they have caused me!! Look at the damage that has been done to our friends and families?!

When I can't seem to calm myself, I open up the Word (and usually text my mom or sister or a friend). The first time I did this, I was reading Exodus and I was drawn to a certain verse and the reason for me to hide my crazy became very clear...because THE LORD WILL FIGHT FOR ME.
"The Lord will fight for you; you shall hold your peace." -Exodus 14:14
I continued to look for verses dealing with God fighting my battles and His vengeance. And little did I know, they were so numerous! Some that stood out are cited below.
"Contend, O Lord, with those who contend against me; fight against those who fight against me." -Psalm 35:1 
"...our God will fight for us!" -Nehemiah 4:20
"It is mine to avenge. I will repay. In due time, their foot will slip, their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them." -Deuteronomy 32:35
"Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written 'it is mine to avenge. I will repay'" -Romans 12:19
After reading these verses, my crazy thoughts became a Disney movie in comparison to my God and his wrath. My God loves me so much and hates sin that he is willing to allow me to keep my composure and dignity and do the ugly work himself. So, when I get angry and want to take them down, I just remind myself bless their hearts-they will have wished it was I who went psycho on them. Everything will pale in comparison to the Lord's battle plan. And I won't have to live with the guilt, the shame, the regret and the dire consequences that comes with adultery and tearing down a divine covenant. Good luck with that one.

Hide your crazy, honey. Let the Lord get crazy for you.

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