I, after a month of inexplicable changes in my husband's behavior and marriage, found out that I had been betrayed by my spouse (November 5, 2016). Now his double-minded comments, the locked phone (he never locked his phone and he always let me text people or play games on it) and it glue to him 24/7, backing out of going to Alabama to see my sick grandparents, etc, his emotions that were all over the place, etc all made sense. All the deepest fears that had been hidden in my heart from a childhood betrayal in my own family had manifested in my own marriage-my husband whom I loved, fully trusted and whole-heartedly believed in was having an affair. Long story short-he filed for divorce, abandoned me, our home and fur babies and moved in beginning a life with another woman he employed and her two children. My life is falling apart right in front of my eyes. I am beyond devastated. I don't know who this man is or why this is all happening-I can honestly say I never saw this coming.
I know that I have two options-to accept it for what it is or fight for my marriage with all that I have in me. And because of my faith in God and what the Bible says about divorce (and adultery), spiritual battles and the role of a spouse to pray for their wayward husband (or wife), I am making the choice to stand for my marriage-to hit my knees praying and to be faithful and obedient no matter the outcome. I am not battling my husband or the other woman; I am battling the forces that sought out to destroy him and our marriage. We do not fight flesh and blood-we fight the enemy.
I saw the ugly face of sin, how it creeps in and makes itself right at home, how it sucks the life and joy out of a person and places a wedge between them and the voice of God. I have come to know how real the enemy is and how he is out to destroy marriages and families more than ever. And that is why I choose to fight because whether you believe in spiritual warfare or not, it is happening all around us. I do believe that God can still do the impossible and restore this marriage, but I also know that if He doesn't, I will be ok and will experience His blessings-blessings that I can't even fathom right now-blessings that will make me look back on the devastating circumstance and thank Him for it and give Him all the glory.
"I have spent months weeping, suffering, worrying, questioning and trying to control everything. However, I realized this was all out of my control. Instead of running away from God, I sprinted into His loving and comforting arms willing to learn, listen and obey. It's really all I had. Now, don't get me wrong-at first I was angry at God. How could he let this happen to me? How could my husband, even in the midst of his sin and wrong-doing, ignore my pleading to stay and work on things and not accept my forgiveness? How could I take the time to search my own heart, humble myself and confess to my husband my faults in the marriage when he should be the one crying and begging me for forgiveness? Why was my heart not angry at him? Why did I feel sorry for him and willing to love him anyway?
How could the other woman completely ignore my kindness, concern for her and her kids' well-being and extension of my forgiveness when she called me promising to end the relationship, seek better for herself and her kids only to lie to me and continue on with the affair? What kind of woman seeks to actively destroy another woman and a marriage? I mean, I didn't even cuss her or go crazy on her when she called. I was surprisingly cool, calm and collected-but straight forward. I was concerned for her as a proclaiming Christian woman and mother. I knew she had already been divorced, had gone through the loss of both of her parents, moved her and her kids states away from the only family they had left to be with a man here in Texas only to cheat on him, kick him out of her house and move my husband (her boss) in. And after seeing a picture of her (expecting a beauty queen), I really, really didn't understand (gotta laugh ya know). My heart, in a strange way, was burdened for her and her actions-especially for those poor children who are old enough to see and hear and be amidst so much change and wrong-doing. All these feelings that went against the status-quo of a woman betrayed didn't make sense until God revealed why. I am being called to show love-to pray for those who have hurt me and have gone down a dark path away from God. I am being called to take a stand for the sanctity of marriage. I am being called to deal with this situation in a godly way-a way that most of society wouldn't understand.
God wanted all of me-wanted all of my thoughts, my anxiety, my pain, my burdens, my obsessiveness, my desires and my actions. He wanted to refine me. He wanted to grow me in trust, faith, humility, and love. He wanted to teach me how to practice self-discipline that goes against what most spouses would do in this situation. He wanted me to look beyond the circumstances-I am fighting a spiritual battle-I am dealing with the enemy-not so much the sinner. He wanted me to learn to look and acknowledge the sin for what it was and to see my oppressors as He sees them-his beloved children who have fallen into a deep, blinding, falsely-promising trap. He wanted to teach me to love the ones who hurt me unconditionally, to pray for them-for Him to break the chains that the enemy had bound to both my husband and the other woman, seek His word in every thought and action and FULLY trust Him. For a woman like myself who is an activator-a woman who solves problems, makes things happen and gives 150% in everything that she does, this has been a long journey of learning how to let go and let God.
Once I stopped trying to control the situation and gave the ones who betrayed me over to God, my shattered heart began to slowly soften, calm and heal. I am not saying that I don't have my moments-often times, I can't hide my crazy. I still cry, I get angry, I want revenge, I hurt, I worry. However, I have learned to refocus my mind, reach out to those trusted people I have sought for counsel (bless their hearts for listening to my crazy streams of consciousness, sobs of uncontrollable tears, and fluctuations of emotions) and trust in His promises that He is working everything out for my good because I love Him and have been obedient.
As I began to read the Bible (the year plan to read it from start to finish), I prayed that God would reveal himself to me- even in the stories that I've heard since childhood and simply looked at them as such-stories. I wanted them to become more. I wanted to see that God's word is STILL ALIVE and is pertinent to our current circumstances. I wanted to begin to see parallels for what I'm going through so that I could gain wisdom, comfort and excitement for what God has done, is doing and will be doing in my life. And here I am. As those connections begin, I will share them with you.
I want two things from this-I want to share with you my journey of healing and restoration as I read the Bible cover to cover, and I want to minister to all of those who have been or are currently in my situation.
I pray that I will grow daily, that you will learn and grow with me and know that you can find peace that surpasses all understanding no matter your physical circumstances. I want God to show us that beauty can and will rise from the stone-colored ashes and a magnificent, colorful beauty will bloom and blossom from the dead, wilted flower of betrayal. A beauty that can only be found in Him.
Choose to trust Him right now. Let's do this!