Wednesday, July 12, 2017

My Own Garden of Gethsemane

Crying, pleading, begging with God to let this immense time of darkness either pass or turn into beautiful and healing light, I found myself in so much emotional and physical anguish as I neared the final court date that would declare my husband and I officially divorced. In no way could I ever compare my hurt and desperation to Jesus while he was in the garden of Gethsemane prior to His own betrayal that would lead to His death, but I surely knew I was in my own garden of suffering.

 As the Lord approached the day of His crucifixion, he went to the garden to pray. And he didn't just simply speak to His heavenly father, he begged, cried out and asked for God to let him avoid the inevitable death-the death that would change the world and our lives forever. He was so stressed and under such excruciating agony to the point his body seeped sweat drops of blood.

"Going a little farther, He fell facedown and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me. Yet not as I will, but as You will." Matthew 26:39

None of us could or will ever come close to the emotions and pain Jesus was facing and feeling, but look at what he ended his plead with, "...not as I will, but as You will." Jesus, being the human He was, wanted some way out but He also recognized that God's will is more important than His. Despite the circumstance, Jesus wanted His Father's will to be done.

I wanted, despite all the hurt and agony of my husband's betrayal, for God to miraculously save and heal our marriage. But He didn't. My husband's free will and the dire and heavy consequences of His actions had trapped Him giving Him no choice but to leave and never come back. Even though at times I felt God had completely abandoned me like my husband did, He was still there...even in the silence. God did not allow the divorce to pass. It was finalized and I was forced to start my life all over again at the age of 32. but all in all, I simply wanted to be and remain in God's will for my life.

We all want to avoid hurt and rough circumstances, but we must acknowledge that God has a plan in all of it. If He chooses to move the mountain, praise Him. If God chooses to keep that mountain right in your path, then get on your climbing shoes and hiking gear and prepare to climb up and over that rocky path using God as your guide.

There is a purpose in everything. If you are in your own Garden of Gethsemane, may you pray for HIS will to be done-not yours. And no matter what, it will pass. Trust him

Monday, June 26, 2017

5 Perks of Taking the High Road

Society is full of bad advice-really bad advice. Society is self-serving. Society is quick to act. Quick to anger. Quick to seek revenge. Society doesn't seek God first when confronted with adverse situations-especially when it comes to conflict. As a woman who has lived through utter destruction because of others' actions, I can testify that taking the high road isn’t easy. It's not easy at all. I actually found it quite difficult at times to keep my mouth shut and not go all spidermonkey on the ones who hurt me, but, in the end, it's so worth it. I get to remain free.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

I Need You

(written March 2017)

Father, my circumstances look impossible. They look so final. Divorce settlement papers have been signed. Our dream home is about to be on the market and I'm pretty much having Togo through this process alone. He has moved in with the other woman and her 2 kids months ago and has officially changed his address. Father, where have my prayers gone every day for the past 6 months? Have you not heard the desperation in my constant cries for my husband and our marriage? I am willing to work through the hurt even though starting over seems easier and I have realized looking back over this marriage, I deserved more. Much more, but I promised forever-through better or worse (and this is BEYOND WORSE). I even realized that I've rewritten my expectations for love, marriage and my husband-and I never should have had to do that, but I am willing, Lord, to move forward, forgive and reconcile it all with him. Have you not seen the floods of tears that have fallen from my eyes? Father, where are you? Please answer me.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Oh Baby, Talk about a Mercy in Disguise

"Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"
"Blessings" by Laura Story

Monday, May 22, 2017

I Say a Little Prayer for You

(written March 2017)

Some people have called me crazy. Some people have discouraged me. Some people have told me to focus solely on myself. Some people have simply told me to stop. Stop praying for him.